Tuesday, 25 November 2014

To Kahlil, With Love…

Courtesy: Simon Howden

If I could meet you,
I’d stand before you and say nothing.
Words won’t do a thing.
But if I remembered in future having loved you in the past,
I’d stand in future,
Someday, I’d stand naked in front of you to say nothing,
Hoping you’d know what I wish to convey,
Because we've been fashioned from the same clay of the one you like to call ‘Unseen’.
When that blessed silence would enclose us,
Your heart would resonate with mine,
And you’d know that I love you…

That I have always loved you ever since I saw your picture in your work.

A Visit to my Inner Sanctum

Sometimes when I sit doing nothing, those very few sometimes I’m able to hear my heart best. Sometimes it beats in a way that lets me know that things in my life are about to change. You know, just a little premonition of what’s to come and what to expect or not expect maybe. But mostly, it beats to keep me alive needing no acknowledgement, no appreciation or gratitude. It beats the same and not quite the same. Often times I have chanced upon my heart beats singing in different rhythms, chorusing their intent. It’s like they have a language of their own- a secret language.

Those rare times when I sit to hear my heart speak, I get a peek inside this vast yet small world that is alive with a life of its own. I enter it, taking baby tentative steps. I lift my skirt just a little as I proceed barefoot and find myself facing the sea. It is here that I hear the voices. All those silenced desires, ambitions, regrets and secret wishes. This is my haven.  My inner sanctum.

I walk the shore. The air is so fresh here. It unlocks my mind immediately and for the first time I open my eyes and stare at my vastness. The enormity of it is staggering and I think it scares me a little. But then follows the elation and I have never felt so happy. I will never be as exultant as I am right this instant.  I observe. I see my eyes brimmed with tears. I always cry when I see something beautiful. I always cry when my heart is solitary in that beautiful loneliness. I smile as I cry, brushing a stray drop as it falls down my cheek.

I can see my life spread out before me. Wave after wave carries with it an important moment of my life. And as I see them crashing against the shores, I wonder if I am contented, I wonder if a tiny little soul like me is happy and okay in this world. I wonder if I’ll ever be held gently as if I’m precious, if I’ll ever find some protective warmth when the waves around me get too cold. Sometimes my heart actually finds contentment. Other times it wails silently, and some other “other times” it remains in a passive state of activity. And I think mostly when I am contented I am alone. But even that loneliness has a certain poignancy to it that I love so much. This has always been my natural state. I do not think I’ll be able to explain it to anybody. After all making any “body” understand you is such a waste of time.

So I go on looking deep into myself. And then Life suddenly changes her pace. She becomes slow in her movements and quite gracious indeed. And I realize that somehow she manages to give me the space and time I need to savour what I have and dream of what I don’t. But then so miser I am in visiting my inner sanctum and so less do I give to myself. Funny, isn't it? To have to think so much before giving a little piece of time to myself. I find myself forgetting what brings me life when I step out of my haven. I am scared, and I think a part of me wishes to put on the facade of life herself minus the voices of my sanctuary. However, I will not do that. 

"The sea is my soul, my mirror and reflection. And now that I have seen myself, I want to remember my visage, so that when I step out of my sanctum I venture into my everyday life with strength and humility. I hope not to be counted among those that lived without living but among those who were conscious of their life force and its beauty."

I have always believed that you don’t go through life, you take it along with you, just like you carry your heart, its billion heart beats and longings. I hope that this visit serves as a reminder of those dreams that I often forget. So, I’m thinking, I’ll take it one day at a time, starting today.

Today, I just wish to be “me”. I want to be quiet today. I am not contented but surely I can be calm. I want to sit and watch, watch the skies, and see my words fill up my diary. I want to do everything and nothing at all.  Today, I wish to rest my head against my desk, close my eyes and drift into myself.